chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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