Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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