I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My vagina is officially offended.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
