she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
