don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
