i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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