you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
