Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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