Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
