I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
