Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
