I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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