He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
