HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
