I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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