I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
