Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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