sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he was CRYING into my vagina
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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