This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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