So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
