i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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