I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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