I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
