Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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