God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
