I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
