I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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