I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
