EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
