phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
