Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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