I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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