1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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