you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
