just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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