I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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