Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
