Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
