Your face is a jimmy john
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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