Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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