So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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