bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
