You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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