I'm going to jail i love you
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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