Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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