My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize