the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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