There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
P.S. I can't hear my feet
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
