I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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