blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
not ubering you a puppy
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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