I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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