hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
