that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
