Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
