i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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