answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
